Only When I Sleep
by Lady Aglaya
Summary: Post CoG - In a world where love, dreams and darkness all collide Luke and Jocelyn are each troubled by dreams in the aftermath of Luke's confession. Each must face their past, assess their feelings and in the morning will they be able to admit their love for each other?


Chapter 1 – Moving From Within

The night was unnaturally quiet after the battle that had changed the world forever. Every living creature in Alicante had retreated to rest in the aftermath of mutual exhaustion. As the city was engulfed in this deep sleep two figures were sharing a double bed in a dark room. Looking at them you might be forgiven for thinking the pair were complete strangers being forced to share the only remaining bed available in a city that had been unexpectedly caught out with a deluge of inhabitants for the end of the Mortal War.

Jocelyn was lying on her back, her fiery red hair spread out across the pillow like flames. Luke was curled up on the other side of the bed on his side facing away from her. Both had collapsed onto the bed in their clothes and had not moved instantly being consumed in exhaustion from the physical exertion and emotional turmoil of the battle….and the conversation that had followed. Neither had moved and an invisible but noticeable barrier separated them on the bed.

Stirring gently Jocelyn's eyes fluttered open and she took in her surroundings. After several moments of confusion she recognised she was in one of Amatis' bedrooms. Like her sight after awakening from sleep her memory was slowing returning too and as she turned her head she saw the reason she was here. After she had run after Luke their conversation had been fraught and desperate not to lose Luke so soon she had followed him home when they both admitted they were exhausted. Luke was always thoughtful when it came to her welfare but Jocelyn could sense that Luke would have preferred it if he could have been left alone. But Jocelyn was not ready to concede, there were things that still needed to be said and so she had followed him to his room

As Jocelyn gazed over at Luke and was confronted by the rigid barrier of his back Jocelyn sighed and wondered if she had truly lost the best friend she ever had. She tentatively reached out a hand to touch him but only a fraction away she hesitated. She pulled her hand back and a small pain tugged at her heart and it slowly grew as a tear escaped her eye. It was too late. She had realised far too late.

_Luke was caught up in a tidal wave of time to nearly twenty five years ago. He saw Jocelyn, beautiful carefree Jocelyn sitting opposite him in the library of the university. Her unruly hair was annoying her as usual as she pushed it back up into a ponytail. She returned to the books spread out on the table._

"_Now come on, let's focus on the basic healing runes today" she said busily searching among the books._

_This was their usual Sunday afternoon joint revision session in order to prepare for the week's intensive lessons. In reality it was so Jocelyn could try to help him catch up as he was seriously struggling. It had troubled him for a long time but not recently for he now had a secret weapon and was improving leaps and bounds. He should have saved Jocelyn the bother of their Sunday ritual as she would no doubt have her own work to do without taking time out to help him. But Luke couldn't bring himself to do it. Sunday was a chance to be alone with her and he couldn't deny himself. He loved being able to gaze at her when she wasn't looking, to sit close to her as they poured over the books together. To breathe her in, to imagine touching her it was what he lived for._

"_Lucien, here you are I thought I might find you here" came a voice crashing into his reverential daydream._

_He looked up to find his new friend and tutor Valentine making his way through the library to their table. Luke felt himself smile and thought life had treated him well over the last few months from when he was facing total despair. There was Jocelyn who he loved more each day and now he had this brilliant friend who gave him such confidence and strength. And now the two most important people in his life would finally meet._

"_Valentine, it's great to see you. Come meet my friend Jocelyn. Jocelyn, this is Valentine Morgenstern he's taken me under his wing and taught me so much. Valentine this is Jocelyn Fairchild, we grew up together."_

"_The pleasure is entirely mine" drawled Valentine as he swept up Jocelyn's proffered hand and brushed a gentle kiss on her knuckles. Luke watched in amazement as Jocelyn flushed, her eyes sparkled and for the first time since he had known her, Jocelyn Fairchild was speechless._

"_You really shouldn't have hidden such a treasure from me Lucien, you cannot keep such delights to yourself" said Valentine. He and Jocelyn locked eyes on each other and Luke saw something pass between them. His fifteen year old self wasn't aware of what it was but he had a mounting dread that this was not what he would have wished from his two best friends meeting for the first time._

_The tidal wave surged again catching him up without giving Luke a chance to breathe. Suddenly he was back in the church on that fateful day when it felt like his world had ended. Jocelyn shining like an angel and which such unconcealed happiness on her face. Valentine was all of sudden there and the two were exchanging marks. Valentine's stele was scaring Jocelyn's silky skin but instead of the normal mark in the path the stele was making it was leaving viscous and sickly black ooze all over her skin._

"_Jocelyn, please you don't have to do this" Luke was screaming, tears running down his face._

_But Jocelyn who seemed unaware of the horrible dark brand Valentine was tracing into her skin looked calmly back at him, a trace of pity in her eyes._

"_He's all I ever wanted. All I ever want…" her voice trailed away as her image began to fade as he felt himself being dragged away and back to another dark and painful memory. More proofs that she could never love him and that it was all his fault._

"_Jocelyn!"_

Jocelyn had shut her eyes trying to squash the pain that was spreading its way through her chest when she heard Luke mummer on the other side of the bed. Instantly she snapped her eyes open and looked over as he turned over onto his back. Jocelyn watched as Luke still clearly asleep thrashed back and forth in the grip of whatever demons he was facing in his dream. Alarmed but unsure what to do Jocelyn froze. She should leave, Luke had not wanted her here and he wouldn't appreciate her seeing him like this. She would go and sleep in Clary's room and find Luke in the morning like she should have done from the first.

She summoned the energy to lift herself off the bed but before she could move Luke at that moment rolled over and his arm came down across her and unconsciously caught her up to him. Jocelyn was stunned as Luke's arm cradled her in clumsy but firm embrace which pinned to bed. She looked down to into Luke's face which was now inches from her shoulder and felt a pang at her heart when she saw the worried crease in his forehead and the mewling noises of helplessness escape him. His beautiful face was twisted in some private agony and Jocelyn ached to comfort him. She stroked her hands gently across the arm the held her and began to quietly mummer to him.

"Shush, it's alright. I'm here now" and before she realised what she had done she stooped down brush a kiss on Luke's forehead. It was instinctual just like comforting Clary when she was little when she was sick and would sleep in her bed.

Jocelyn felt an overwhelming desire to comfort and protect Luke as she always had with Clary. She was gradually realising with every moment since she'd awaken from her coma just how much pain she had caused him without even thinking.

It was too late now, he had made that perfectly clear earlier this evening. But she thought at least she would help him through the pain that was plaguing his sleep until the morning came and he left her life forever. She nestled into Luke's embrace and continued to stroke his arm as she once again drifted into oblivion.


End file.
